Articles for Parents

Talking with Kids about School

(taken from PBS Parents)

Why is it so hard to talk about school? Parents often get exasperated with kids’ monosyllabic answers to their simple questions. That one well-intentioned line, “How was school today?” has probably provoked more bad feelings between parents and kids than either party ever intended.

“‘How was school today?’ is a frustrating question for both parents and kids,” notes Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of The Pressured Child. “Parents never get the answer they want and often don’t understand how difficult this question really is. Without meaning to, parents are asking for a summary but kids don’t summarize the way adults do. So most kids just say ‘fine’ or try to avoid the question entirely.” And then the problem escalates. “Many parents will repeat this question if they don’t get a good enough response because they don’t know how else to ask it,” adds Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D., author of Playful Parenting.

Fortunately, some simple strategies can get kids and parents talking and listening. “What was fun? What was the worst part of the day? Did your teacher explain that math homework? How did soccer go?”

However, communicating effectively about school goes deeper than just asking the right questions. “What are the goals of talking with kids about school and what is the role of the adult in these conversations?” asks Diane Levin, Ph.D., professor of education at Wheelock College. “More than just finding out how their day was, we want to help kids become problems solvers and independent learners. Good conversations help kids see we care about their lives, that we are there to support them, and to help them develop strategies for solving problems themselves.”

Try these strategies to get kids and parents talking about school and listening to each other in meaningful ways.

So why don’t our kids want to tell us about their day at school? And why do we think we need to know every detail? And how can we become more effective listeners? To find out, take a look at the situation from your child’s perspective and compare it to your own.

“How was school?” and “how are you?” are not really questions — they’re greetings. A problem arises because we expect an answer. But the question is so general that it’s difficult for kids to answer, particularly when they are on overload from a challenging day at school. “What parents are trying to do when they ask ‘how was school?’ is to make contact with their child,” explains Michael Thompson, Ph.D. But we don’t realize that the question “how was school” may not be the mosteffective way to connect.

Kids often think adults ask too many questions.“And they are right,” adds Thompson, “we do. Adults are often just trying to start a conversation and don’t understand that their questions make a child feel put on the spot. Be aware that a question from a big person like you can place demands on a small child, even though you don’t mean it that way.”"It’s important to also be clear why you are asking children about school. Is it merely chit chat, are you looking for something more meaningful, and are you communicating in ways that relate to your child’s experience?” notes Diane Levin, Ph.D.

School can be hard for kids and that’s why it’s hard for them to talk about it. Every day at school, kids get things wrong and make mistakes. That’s how they learn. But generally, kids don’t want to come home and say, “I was frustrated by my mistakes but I learned from them.” They would rather come home and say, “I got everything right.” Their feelings about meeting the expectations of their teachers, their parents, and themselves can make school a challenging topic to discuss.

So — should we stop asking questions? No. But you might ask fewer ones and try not to get crazy when your kids don’t respond the way you want them to. Remember that if your kids don’t want to talk, it’s not a rejection of you. When you do speak, try to find ways to discuss what’s meaningful to both your child and you, because this shows that you care.

There isn’t one right way, one perfect question, or one right time to have these conversations. Here are some suggestions to try:

Greet your child with an enthusiastic hello. Try saying “great to see you!” or “I missed you!” or simply, “I hope you had a good day,” instead of “How was school?” These statements communicate what you really feel without instantly putting your child on the spot with a question. As a result, your child is more likely to speak about her day.

Allow your child not to talk right after school. Many kids don’t want to talk the minute they walk in the door. They want to have a snack, call a friend, or just chill out. (Think about how you feel when you walk in after a long day at work. Wouldn’t you rather put your feet up and talk later?)

Learn about your child’s life at school. The more details you know about your child’s school experience, the more valuable your questions will be. If you know the teacher reads a story every day, ask “What story did Mrs. Younger read today?” If you know the teacher’s newsletter comes home on Wednesday, set up a ritual to read it together at dinner. If you visit your child’s classroom, make note of new things you might want to discuss with your child later.

Say what’s on your mind. If what you really need to know is “How did you do on the math test?” just ask. If you fish around, your child will resent it more. “But keep in mind that if you frequently ask questions about tests, that’s all kids will think you care about,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D.

Avoid face-to-face interrogations. You might do better in situations where you’re not face-to-face like the car, when your child takes a bath, or when you are cooking. In this way, your child won’t feel put on the spot.

Let the talk emerge naturally. Discuss the day while you cook dinner, read together, or check homework. But try not to use dinner as a time to talk about problems like homework or tests. Everybody needs a break!

Listen before you talk. Let your child lead you into conversations on her own. Sometimes your child will drop hints without your asking, like “We planted seeds today!” or “Where’s the atlas? I need to find Antarctica.” These are perfect openings to talk together about school.

Try communicating without words. The best way to make contact with your child isn’t necessarily through talking. “We want our children to talk with us — because talking is our way of communicating. But talk is not how all kids express themselves: play is,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “If we insist they talk our way, we may not get much information, but if we play on their terms, we might. Many children would prefer to reconnect with a hug, by playing a game, or rough housing. Some are more physical than verbal, so you might ask them to give you thumbs up or thumbs down about school, instead of describing it.”

Talk about funny things that happened to you. One of the best ways to stimulate conversation is to talk about funny stuff kids can relate to. “A great way to start conversation is to describe an interesting and funny event from your day. Kids will then respond and talk about interesting things that happened to them,” adds Cohen. Talk about the skunk you passed on the way to work. Talk about the toilet paper that got stuck to your shoe. Talk about the booger you saw hanging from your boss’ nose. Your kids will laugh and probably start talking to you — even the older ones.

Don’t jump in to fix your child’s problem immediately. If your child brings up a problem like “I hate my teacher!” take it in stride. First, find out what else your child has to say and what he wants to do about it. You might encourage your child to figure out solutions by asking, “What do you think you want to do about this?” and “Is there something you’d like me to do?” Follow up later with “How did your new strategies work?” or “You haven’t mentioned math class lately, does that mean it’s going better?” If the problem is serious, discuss it with the school.

Help children develop their own solutions. Don’t feel you need to supply the right answer yourself. Instead, share ideas about possible solutions that will help your child feel better. “This is a way to help your child see you as an ally who will support him when problems come up. By helping your child figure it out for himself, you are also giving him a whole set of tools for solving the problems independently as he gets older,” advises Diane Levin, Ph.D.

Whatever your child’s age, a specific question, or even a specific statement, may prompt more of a response than the more general “How was school today?” If you listen to your child’s answer, and (if the opening is there) ask another question, you’ll be on your way to a meaningful conversation.

Ask kids about what interests them:

• “What did you do that was fun today?”
• “Did anything funny happen?”
• “What did you like best today?”
• “Did you read any new books in library?”
• “How did the science experiment turn out?”

Ask about specific people and events in your child’s life:

• “Did Mrs. Stone go over that math test?”
• “What did Mr. Zeiner talk about in social studies?”
• “Who’d you sit next to on the bus?”
• “Did Mrs. Davis call on you today?”
• “Are you and Helen still having a hard time?”
• “How are you and Charlie doing?”
• “What do your friends think about the substitute teacher?”

Ask kids about what bugs them. Everybody likes to complain, so if your child is in a bad mood, ask what’s wrong. You might find that within a few minutes, your child is telling you what she likes. You might ask:

• “Anybody get on your nerves today?”
• “Was your teacher annoying again?”
• “Was there anything really hard for you?”

Make comments about schoolwork. You can look over your child’s work or the teacher’s weekly class note, and ask:

• “Wow, what a cool picture of a squirrel. I like the bushy tail. What does he use it for?”
• “Can you explain photosynthesis to me?”
• “What is a whole number, anyway?”

Younger children often bubble up with their own comments about the school day but skip lots of information parents find important. Some don’t like the question “how was school?” primarily because they think their parents know what’s in their head. Developmentally, younger children haven’t completely realized that their lives are separate from their parents.

To encourage communication, you might ask “what did you build in the block center?” or “what songs did you sing in music today?” Comment on their work, with statements like “you’re studying words with the letter B. Grandma’s name Barbara starts with B. What other words start with B?”

Keep in mind, however, that while some young children are chatterboxes, others are not. “For many young children, talking is not their main way of communicating. So don’t be upset if you don’t get an elaborate answer,” comments Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “Instead, get out the stuffed animals, dolls, or action figures and observe what your child does through play. Your child might play the part of a scolding teacher, or want you to play the part of a naughty child. Or, your child might give you an art class. You never know.”

PROTECTING YOURSELF DURING FLU SEASON

We are taking time during our day to talk about washing our hands and how to cough and sneeze.  Please review these procedures and reinforce them at home.  The following information has been taken directly from Alberta Health.  Please DO NOT send your child to school if they are feeling ill.

You can get information about flu shots from Health Link Alberta.

Clean your hands

The flu virus can live on your hands for five (5) minutes. It can live on doorknobs for 1–2 days!

Help protect yourself and other people by cleaning your hands often. Teach young children to wash their hands too.

When to clean your hands

• Before you eat or serve food
• Before you brush your teeth
• After you are near a person with the flu
• After you cough, sneeze or blow your nose

What to use

• Use regular hand soap and water.
  or
• Use hand cleanser or sanitizer that has alcohol in it.

How to wash your hands

1. Wet your hands with warm, running water.

	2. Rub on regular soap. Lather well.
3. Rub your hands together for about 15 seconds. Rub all parts of your hands and wrists.
	4. Rinse well under warm, running water.
5. Dry your hands with a clean towel.

Cover your cough

	Cough or sneeze into your sleeve if you don’t have a tissue. Don’t cough into your hand.
If you use a tissue when you cough or sneeze, throw the tissue in the garbage. Clean your hands afterwards.

Stay home if you are sick

Stay home and rest if you are sick, and don’t get close to other people. Stay away from crowds.

Other things to do

• Exercise – It helps your body fight flu viruses. Try to walk for 30 minutes most days.
• Drink plenty of water.
• Don’t smoke.
• Eat 5–10 servings of fruit and vegetables every day.
• Older adults can take a multivitamin.Stay away from crowds when flu season hits your area.
• If someone in your home gets the flu, protect other family members.
• Keep the sick person’s personal things away from other people. Clean areas around the sick person often. You can use dish soap and water.
• Have family members stay at least 1 metre (3 feet) away from the sick person.

Plan ahead

Be prepared. What will you need if you or someone in your family gets the flu?

• Thermometer;
• Medicine for a fever, throat lozenges;
• Tissues.

Check the expiry dates on your medicine. Don’t use medicine after its expiry date. Date example: Exp AU 09

Do you take care of another person? Who can take care of that person if you get the flu?

Call your doctor

Call your doctor if you have a new cough and fever. Tell them if you have been to a place that has the virus or if you have been in close contact with someone who has been sick with the flu.